Chapter Five: Lost In Eternity

I am utterly and devastatingly lost. I have no idea what I want or who I want to be. I am planning my future right now but I have no idea what to do. People mention their big plans and I don’t know what to say. I can ramble off whatever they want to hear or what people think I am capable of, but I honestly have no idea what I want. I guess the problem starts because I have no idea who I am. Am I my mom’s dream or my dad’s vision or my small-minded town’s expectation?

I feel out of place. My mom is perfectly polite and quiet, and I am not. I am blunt, eccentric, loud, and a mess; and honestly I don’t know how to be any other way. My dad is stubborn and judgemental, and I want to be free and different. I want to live how I feel led to be, not restrained by those around me. Everyone in my town is so cookie-cutter, and they expect everyone to just play along. I can’t anymore though. I feel like I am drowning in a pool of people who never have an original thought or think outside of the box.

The worst part is that the uncertainty is making me unhappy, and there is no reason. I am only eighteen there is plenty of time to worry about the future, but I feel pressured to be sure of myself. I guess that is enough sad shit for today…

ADVICE OF TODAY: LISTEN TO THE WHOLE MELODRAMA ALBUM BY LORDE

With crass comments and subtle humor,

Apparently Carol

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